when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
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