i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
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I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
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According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
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