I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
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