Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Randomize
