We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
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