WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
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