he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
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