we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
Randomize