Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
Randomize
