I wanna put my baby in that!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Ew you even made it your fb status
Ppl probably think ur having a kid
I hope
Love having children with random chicks
shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
Randomize
