The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
