I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
i think i have two assholes
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
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