happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
Randomize
