New low: just hacked my moms facebook
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Randomize
