I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
