I'm sorry my penis didn't work
The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
Randomize
