I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
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My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
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I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
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