you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well the term Party is used loosely in this situation. Since it will just be mom wine drunk and us eating chips with multiple dips.
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
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