textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
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