did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
ya i guess you have to take things with a grain of salt in a place where nipple clamps are the norm..
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
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