saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
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