you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
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Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
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She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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