They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
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