They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Randomize
