Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
All i remember about last night is holding a bottle of bacardi and screaming challenge accepted!
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
