I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
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