She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
Randomize
