Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
Randomize
