you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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