my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
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