FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
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