I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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