some 7 year old just told me his favorite rapper was eminem and kim got what she deserved...god damn today's youth is in a dark period
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
I AM VODKA MAN
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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