3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
I wish i was in the wii world.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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