if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize
