That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
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