You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
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