I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Randomize
