My liver just broke up with me...
I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
