we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Randomize
