his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
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