Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
it felt great physically, but AWFUL morally.
I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
ugh, today is just one of those 'get high before your 8am class' days.
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
You pointed at his crotch then made a thrusting motion. I think it's safe to say every guy at my college loves you.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
Randomize
