No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
Needless to say Beer Gardens severly frowns upon playing flip cups with real glasses.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
Randomize
