I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
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When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
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I think your dad took our porno
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
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