First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
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