If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
is it cool if i come over and use your computer?
what happened to yours?
i got a little to drunk last night and threw up on it...then i tried to wash it off under the sink.
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
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