I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
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