she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
Even the bartender felt bad for me
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
Randomize
