Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
Randomize
