be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Randomize
