At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
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