After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
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