i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
The air was thick with penises
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
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