Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
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