I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
Found the puke drawer
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
Just high enough for therapy.
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Randomize
